Slayers: Heavy Troubles
by Perioc
Summary: Zel is going insane, and takes it out on his fellow adventurers.


Slayers: Heavy Troubles  
  
Perioc  
  
(Slayers isn't mine, nor the Simpsons (ripped off some jokes form them) or Emeril Lagasse (you'll see). But then, you all know that. As with my Jungle de Ikou fic, this deals with WG as a theme. You ain't into that, then don't read this. If you don't know what it means, chances are you're not into it and should go. Now. You've been warned. Comments are appreciated either here at the website, or sent to me at Perioc@yahoo.com)  
  
Zelgadis slowly awoke as the first rays of light shone over the valley that he and his companions had made camp in. With the others still snoring away, he rose and walked to the lake not too far away from their site. He craned his neck, stretched his arms, and took a deep breath of the morning air. For a long time he just stood at the lake's edge, watching the sunrise and listening to birds chirp.  
  
"How utterly lovely and perfect." He said. "Why, this is just so fantastic and enchanting that I believe I shall do a jig of joy!"  
  
And thus Zelgadis did jig. Well, it was more of an Irish step, with him putting his hands on his hips and flinging his legs around like that loony Michael Flatley.  
  
"Tra la la la." He sang. "Tra la la la la tra la la la la la laaaaaaaaAAAAHHHH!"  
  
Zelgadis sat bolt-upright in the darkness that still surrounded the valley that he and his companions had made camp in, still screaming. A cold sweat poured down his rocky face, and his pupils were dilated in terror. He looked around slowly, shuddering, then finally stood and rushed for the lake. He tossed water on his face, and for a long time just knelt at the lake's edge, staring at his reflection, which was often broken up as water dripped from his face and caused the reflective surface to ripple.  
  
"What a horrible dream." He whispered in the cold night air. "I...I'm not supposed to have dreams like that. I'm supposed to have brooding, angst-ridden dreams about Rezo turning me into a chimera. But I was...dancing. Sweet Gods, I was DANCING!"  
  
Still shuddering (and resisting the urge to fall into a fetal position and cry for a while), he slowly meandered back to the camp site. Once there, he glared at his sleeping companions. Quick-tempered Lina Inverse, vacuous Gourry Gabriev, and bubbly, aggravating Amelia...uh...Amelia de too friggin' long and confusing last name that ends in Seyruun or some such.  
  
'Yes...of course.' He thought, still glaring. 'This is THEIR fault, somehow. I was having good, normal dreams before I teamed up with them. But their damnable lust for life and lightheartedness has contaminated me!'  
  
A twisted grin spread across his lips, his eyes widened, and dark storm clouds gathered.  
  
"Well the best way to end a contamination is to DESTROY THEH SOURCE!" He shouted, and the heavens responded with a flash of lightning and crack of thunder. He let out a long, villainous laugh. The winds kicked up, blowing the long grasses of the plains in all directions and sending Zelgadis's cape swirling dramatically.  
  
Then a bolt of lightning hit Zelgadis.  
  
"Ow."  
  
Rocky flesh and clothing still smoking and scorched from the night's events, Zelgadis slowly awoke to the feeling of someone jostling him. His eyes slowly opened, and he found Amelia's face so close to his their noses were practically touching.  
  
"Good morning!" She said with a broad grin.  
  
"Considering how it started, no it isn't." With that, he shut his eyes again.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
'Hmm...should I still go through with my plan?' He thought. 'I mean, Lina's a pain, but has been helpful. And Amelia's BASICALLY innocent...'  
  
"I'll get him up, Amelia." He heard Lina say, and a moment later he felt a swift kick to his side. "OW! Dammit, I always forget that he's made of rock!"  
  
"Yeah, it's pretty funny." He replied, sitting up. "Figure I may as well get up before you get wise and Dragon Slave me or something."  
  
"Smart boy."  
  
"Okay." He stood. "What's on the agenda for today?"  
  
"What else: aimless wanderings until a plot drops itself in our lap, most likely involving the monster race."  
  
"But before that, Miss Lina and I need a bath." Amelia said.  
  
"Follow us and you die." Lina added.  
  
"And who said I had ANY interest?" Zelgadis replied. "Amelia's annoying personality destroys any interest I could even possibly consider maybe thinking about having in her looks. As for you, I have no interest in young boys, so why should your figure interest me?"  
  
People saw the blast from the Dragon Slave twenty miles away.  
  
"Point...taken." The smoldering Zelgadis said, before crumpling to the ground. He watched Lina and Amelia walk off, then slowly stood. "Well, now my second thoughts about enacting revenge seem a bit ..."  
  
"Owies."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Zel, what happened?" Gourry asked from the tree he had been blown into.  
  
"Lina." Zelgadis replied, walking over to the tree and unsheathing his sword. "I'll have you down in a second."  
  
He swung as hard as he could, slicing the spell-weakened trunk and sending Gourry crashing to the ground. He got up slowly, brushing himself off.  
  
"Where are they, anyhow?"  
  
"The lake." Zel allowed himself a tiny grin. "They're...getting some fish. Go down and join them."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
"Ooh, that was wicked of me." He said with a grin, watching Gourry bolt. Then he wandered over to a rock and sat. "Now...plan. Plan plan plan..."  
  
"Hello!"  
  
"Huh?!" Zelgadis spun to see Xellos there. "Oh, for the love of Shabranigdo, it's YOU. As if my life didn't suck enough."  
  
"Now now! I'm here to help."  
  
"Right, and Callista Flockheart has a nice rack."  
  
"No, really! You know I'd love nothing more than to see Lina Inverse destroyed!"  
  
"But I've helped her."  
  
"True, but you've realized the folly of your ways."  
  
"No. I still hate Monsters."  
  
"Oh. Well...ah, whatever. So, how shall you destroy her?"  
  
"I don't think I will."  
  
"Awwwwwww, but..."  
  
"I'm not saying I won't do ANYTHING. I just mean I owe her too much to kill her. I just need to find a way to get her away from me."  
  
"Why not just wander off?"  
  
"One: we're in the middle of a plot, which means she'd chase me down. Two: even if the plot were over, we'd run into each other again, somehow, in the next series. I need to get her off the road for good!"  
  
"Well, try this." From within his cloak, Xellos pulled a manuscript.  
  
"What the hell is that?"  
  
"The story."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Read the disclaimer."  
  
"Okay...'Slayers isn't mine...yada yada yada...JdI...yada yada...you've been warned..."  
  
"No no no! You skipped it! The part RIGHT AFTER the Jungle de Ikou bit!"  
  
"Oh. Heavy WG? Wonder Girl?"  
  
"Well...not in this case. It means Weight Gain here."  
  
"Ah, Weight Gain, I see. But what does...?" After a brief pause, Zelgadis looked up from the manuscript, a demented gleam in his eyes. "YES! If they can't move, they can't follow me! Xellos, I could kiss you!"  
  
"What?" Xellos flung his arms wide. "Please do!"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Oh, you were being rhetorical."  
  
"Basically."  
  
"Shit." And he vanished.  
  
"Well, that was disturbing." Zelgadis said to the air. "Now, to enact..."  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"That sounded less that good."  
  
Zelgadis arrived in time to see Gourry...or what was left of him. He was a mass of broken bones being stood over by a very irate and dripping Lina wrapped in a towel. He saw Amelia hiding and blushing in the lake, her nose and eyes the only parts of her above water level.  
  
"Should I even ask?"  
  
"IT'S YOUR DAMN FAULT!" Lina screamed. "You're the one who told him we were just getting water!"  
  
"Oh, yeah." He grinned. "Pretty damn funny."  
  
"Need...medical...attention." Gourry gurgled.  
  
"Well I'm afraid the next town's a few miles off." Zelgadis said. "Might be a few days."  
  
"Owie..."  
  
"He'll be fine." Lina said. "Now drag him out of here so we can finish our bath."  
  
A few days later, Gourry laid in traction in the city's clinic, drinking his dinner through a straw. His companions stood over him, Amelia looking empathetic while Zelgadis had his arms crossed and frowned at an embarrassed Lina.  
  
"You were saying?" Zelgadis asked.  
  
"A-heh. Well, we're all allowed to mess up on occasion. Now can it before I Ragna Blade your sorry ass."  
  
"Touchy."  
  
'Damn, this slightly wounds my plan.' Zelgadis thought, walking the city streets. 'Ah well. Gourry's totally devoted to Lina. If she's off the road, he'll stay with her, so either way he's out of my hair. And ultimately, he's as much a victim of her torment as I.'  
  
He continued wandering, until he came to the inn Lina had chosen for those companions she HADN'T put into the hospital. He just stared at the entrance for a long time before finally going in.  
  
"About time!" Lina snapped the instant he was through the door. "You missed the waiter, we already ordered."  
  
"I made sure Miss Lina got you your usual cup of coffee, Mister Zelgadis." Amelia said.  
  
"Uh...thanks."  
  
He glanced her way and saw the doe-eyes she was giving him, so he took a sudden interest in a spot on his cape. When he managed to get it out, he looked up to see her still staring at him. So he took interest in a spot on his sword hilt. Looking back up, he found her still staring at him. He grumbled, and took interest in his shoe. There was no spot on it, but he pretended there was. He looked up, finally, to see her still staring at him.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"I...uh..."  
  
"Ugh, never mind! I'll be upstairs!"  
  
"But your coffee..."  
  
"You and Lina can have it!"  
  
A while later, he was sitting in his room and glaring out the window. A light knock came at the door, and he turned to face it with a sigh. He knew who was behind it, and he spent a long time in internal debate as to whether or not he wanted to deal with Amelia at that moment.  
  
"Oh...hell, come in." He called.  
  
"Hello, Mister Zelgadis." Amelia said, walking in. "Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm fine!"  
  
"You seem aggravated, lately." He gave her a glare. "I mean, even for you."  
  
"I said I'm fine."  
  
"I...I..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I brought you some coffee." She walked out to the hall again and wheeled in a cart. "See."  
  
"Oh." He sighed, and banged his head gently off the windowsill.  
  
"What is it, Mister Zelgadis?"  
  
"I don't deserve this kindness." He looked up, and saw the confused expression in Amelia's face. He rushed over to her, suddenly, and grabbed her by the shoulders. "DAMMIT, AMELIA, WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME?!"  
  
"I...because."  
  
"Great answer." He sighed. "Amelia...I have a confession to make. I was going to curse yours and Lina's food so you'd get so fat you wouldn't be able to move, thus getting you all out of my hair. I...thought you were driving me insane, when you were really only making me happy. I'm so sorry I plotted against you. Well...not Lina. But you."  
  
"You're really sorry?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh, Mister Zelgadis!" She held him tightly. "I love you."  
  
"Really?" He lifted her face by the chin.  
  
"Yes, I do. I love you."  
  
"And I you." With that, he slowly drew Amelia to him, and they shared a long, passionate kiss.  
  
He didn't scream when he woke up, this time. He just laid there, drenched in sweat, breathing heavily. He finally stood, shuddering, and stumbled over to the mirror that hung over a short chest in his rented room. He grabbed the empty, metal water bowl and looked at it for a moment.  
  
Then he smashed himself in the face a few dozen times.  
  
"There, now I'm better." He mumbled, putting the dented bowl down. "For the nightmares to take such a sudden jump from horrific to blindingly terrifying isn't a good sign. My madness obviously deepens. The plan HAS to be put into action as soon as possible, before I'm too demented to accomplish it! Just have to figure out the spell..."  
  
"Hello!"  
  
Zelgadis swung so fast that he managed to punch Xellos square in the face.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You hit me!"  
  
"I know that! I wasn't asking why you said 'ow,' you piteous moron! What do you want?"  
  
"I'm here to give you an appropriate spell." He pulled a small bag from within his cloak. "Or rather, concoction."  
  
"How can I trust you? I know you want Lina dead."  
  
"Because I wasn't sent by the monsters in this case."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really. I was sent by one much more powerful."  
  
"The Water Dragon King?"  
  
"No."  
  
"The Fire Dragon King?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Chaos?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Who, then?!"  
  
"Perhaps the most powerful being in our limited universe...the author."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"See, the story's going a bit slow, and he had no better way to move it along...so he sent me in."  
  
"Wow...what a lazy bastard."  
  
"No kidding. Anyway, here." He dropped the little bag in Zel's hands. "This has a wonderfully ironic twist to it, too."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yes. I'll explain as we fade out into the next scene..."  
  
(And thusly, the scene did fade...)  
  
As usual, Lina awoke late. As usual, after getting ready she went straight for the restaurant section of the inn. But when she got to the doorway, she stood there and found herself surprised at the scene before her:  
  
Zelgadis was very quickly running to and from the kitchen, piling food on a table where sat a very confused-looking Amelia.  
  
"Uh...what the heck's going on?" She asked, sitting down next to her ward.  
  
"I have no idea. I came down here and he was cooking. Commandeered the kitchen."  
  
"Strange." Lina grabbed Zel when he ran back to the table. "Zel...what's going on?"  
  
"Just trying to help. Lots of nervous energy this morning."  
  
"I...see."  
  
"Well, eat! C'mon!" And he was gone again.  
  
"Miss Lina...does Mister Zelgadis know how to cook?"  
  
"I have NO idea." She poked at some food with a fork. "Only one way to find out..."  
  
She lifted the fork tentatively, sniffed the food...then jammed the fork in Amelia's mouth.  
  
"Well...you're not dead." Lina said. "Nor spitting it out and screaming."  
  
"No." Amelia swallowed. "In fact...it's really good. Amazing!"  
  
"Really?" Lina grabbed a forkful for herself. "Oh...oh man..."  
  
So the next two hours was spent in silence, as the girls ate. Well...silence in that they didn't talk. The time was filled with their usual, rude eating noises and slamming of forks, plates, and what have you. After he finished loading food on the table, Zelgadis just sat there, a demonic gleam in his eyes that the girls did not notice, since they were too busy stuffing their faces.  
  
"Oh...I can...urp...barely move." Lina groaned when she was done, patting her distended stomach.  
  
"Yeah...same here." Amelia agreed, rubbing a similarly-rounded belly.  
  
`My God, they've NEVER had their stomachs stretch before!' Zel thought. `It HAS to be working! Excellent...'  
  
Some hours later, our heroes were walking down the road again, Gourry miraculously already out of traction thanks to the wonders of cartoon medicine and the fact that he has to be here for the damn story to move on.  
  
"Gourry, you should've been there!" Lina said. "Zel made the MOST AMAZING meal I think I've ever eaten."  
  
"Yeah, I'll bet only dragon cuisine is better!" Amelia piped.  
  
"Aw, I HAD to be in traction!" Gourry said. "Ah, well, maybe next time."  
  
"If there is a next time." Zelgadis mumbled.  
  
"Huh?" Gourry asked.  
  
"I said `ham,' okay. Just...ham."  
  
"Good enough for me." He paused. "Er...does that mean...?"  
"No it does NOT mean I'm making a ham dinner."  
  
"Oh."  
  
lina inverse  
  
"What was that?" Amelia said.  
  
lina inverse  
  
"Is...someone saying that?" Lina asked.  
  
"I don't know." Zelgadis replied. "It almost sounds like it's in my head."  
  
"Guys, I'm frightened!" Gourry shouted. "I've never heard anything in my head before!"  
  
"No surprise there." Zelgadis grumbled.  
  
lina inverse, the time has come for you to die  
  
"Oh...good. ANOTHER attacker." Lina grumbled. "Let me guess...you're from the Monster Race."  
  
how astute, lina inverse  
  
"Why does every villain have to say your full name every single time they talk to you?" Gourry asked.  
  
"For that matter, why do they have this urge to say your name AT ALL every time they talk to you?" Zelgadis asked.  
  
"And why do they leave the rest of us out?!" Amelia snapped. "Aren't WE important?! How come no-one notices US, huh?! Or at least ME!"  
  
"Uh...that's NOT actually the point here." Zelgadis said.  
  
"Show yourself, Monster!" Lina hollered.  
  
i am here, lina inverse  
  
They turned, and there it was. It was...a yellow smiles face with stick arms and legs that ended in white, four-fingered gloves and big, brown shoes.  
  
"I have SUCH a headache right now." Lina griped.  
  
"Knowing this series, he's one of the most powerful Monsters in the universe." Zelgadis said. "Let me guess, you're...what, third in line after Shabranigdo or something?"  
  
No, I'm just a minion.  
  
"Oh."  
  
But do not so casually forget me. WATCH! He lifted his arms, and bright light began to shine from his gloves. SHAGAWAGGA WOOWOO!  
  
A pair of brilliant flashes flew from his hands, one slamming Gourry and the other Zelgadis. Gourry was blown back, unconscious, while Zelgadis slammed into a tree so hard that it snapped in half. But while Gourry was actually knocked out, Zelgadis just shut his eyes.  
  
`Go on, you two.' He thought, forcing himself to not grin. `Go get him!'  
  
He didn't watch the battle, of course, just listened. The battle was composed mostly of simple spells, and Zelgadis found himself a bit disappointed that neither a Dragon Slave nor a Rah Tilt was thrown into the mix.  
  
`I'll have to discuss this with Xellos.' He thought, listening as the dying monster cursed Lina fifteen ways from Sunday.  
  
The next morning found Zelgadis lying in a bed in yet another inn, staring at the ceiling. He was cursing quietly to himself, cracking his knuckles over and over incessantly.  
  
"OKAY, OKAY!" A voice snapped. "I'll talk if you JUST STOP DOING THAT!"  
  
"Thanks, Xellos." Zelgadis said to the air.  
  
"Now what is it you want, Big Boy?" Xellos asked, appearing.  
  
"I'm going to pretend you didn't call me that. Now, why didn't the curse work?"  
  
"Whatever do you mean?"  
"That stuff was supposed to make them gain weight every time they used magic!"  
  
"Oh, silly! Do you think I'd have it work RIGHT AWAY? I'm not stupid! Lina'd figure it out in a second! No no no no....it DOES work when they used magic...but when they go to sleep. Trust me, when they wake up..."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"I do believe Amelia just has."  
  
"Ah. Okay, then. Why the crappy monster? The bigger the spell the more weight they gain, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"So why not a monster that would require something a bit tougher?"  
  
"Because, unlike you, I don't want Lina out of commission RIGHT AWAY." A sick grin spread across Xellos' lips as he opened his eyes to frown. "I want to watch her desperately try to figure it out. To see her confused as she helplessly combats the inevitable!"  
  
"You're one sick bastard."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
With that, Xellos was gone.  
  
"I'd best check on Amelia." Zelgadis said to the air, not quite sure that Xellos was gone.  
  
"Amelia?" Zelgadis said, knocking on her door. "Am...?"  
  
"GO AWAY!"  
  
That one caught Zelgadis off-guard. He grinned wickedly. She must've been really bad off to be that upset.  
  
"No." He said. "I heard you scream! Something's obviously not good!"  
  
"I...alright, but you can't tell anyone!" The door slowly opened, and he looked in to see that Amelia had wrapped herself in a blanket so that only her huge, blue eyes were showing.  
  
"What, you got a part as Kenny in South Park: The Play?"  
  
"Come in, quickly!" A hand grabbed his shirt and tore him into the room. The door was slammed behind him by her. "Okay...look."  
  
`This is it!' He thought. `Time to see the curse in action!'  
  
He spun and saw Amelia had...not changed at all.  
  
"Er...what's the problem?" He asked.  
  
"I'm FAT!" She said.  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"LOOK!" She lifted the bottom of her shirt.  
  
"Okay..."  
  
"Look at that!" She poked herself in the stomach. Looking closely, Zelgadis realized it was indeed a little rounder, softer. So she had gained some, but not really enough for it to show through her baggy costume.  
  
`Damn.' He thought. `Still, at least it's working. Hmm...Lina used a LOT MORE magic. I wonder..."  
  
"GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
`Ah, there she is now.' Zelgadis thought.  
  
"Gourry, what's wrong?" Zelgadis demanded as he and Amelia, again wrapped in the blanket, found him outside the door of Lina's room.  
  
"I dunno! I just heard Lina scream and rushed over!"  
  
Suddenly, the door flew open and smashed Zelgadis in the face...which merely shattered the door. What he saw made his jaw drop. Lina was standing there, her chest almost bursting out of her shirt.  
  
"Well, what do you think?" Lina asked, winking.  
  
"Lina, you...got a figure!" Gourry said.  
  
"You bet your ass."  
  
"But how?!"  
  
"I don't know! I just woke up like this! Ain't it great?!"  
  
"NO!" Amelia shouted, running off.  
  
"What's with her."  
  
"Dunno." Gourry replied.  
  
`Damn.' Zelgadis hissed. `The weight went to the wrong places with her! Well, right cases her in opinion. Blast!'  
  
"Oh, don't worry!" Xellos said to Zelgadis as they both stood in an alleyway next to the inn. "That happens with some women. But the more they gain...well, it stops going to just the "right places"."  
  
"Great. Until then, she's pleased as punch!"  
  
"Yes, it is a tad annoying." Xellos sighed. "I guess I'll have to send one of my bigger monsters next time."  
  
"Well make it really big! And send two, I want Amelia to get some work in!"  
  
"Okay, okay. I'll get it right. It'll take me some time to conjure them up, tho. But you know, you could help, too."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Well...you and Amelia use the same kind of magic, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So offer to `train' her."  
  
"My God...that's brilliant, you idiot! But what about Lina?"  
  
"Piss her off. Get mad at you or Gourry."  
  
"Xellos, I could kiss you!"  
  
"Oh, I've been waiting for this day!"  
  
"I...uh...meant that rhetorically."  
  
"Oh. Right. I knew that. Just kidding."  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."  
  
He watched as Zelgadis walked off, his wicked frown returning.  
  
"Because once this is all done, your soul is MINE, Graywords!"  
  
As they always end up doing, our heroes were soon walking down the road again. Only now Amelia had bought herself a large, hooded cloak to wear that again left little more than her eyes revealed. Lina was busy dropping her dagger in front of Gourry over and over so she could bend over in front of him to pick it up, but he was to thickheaded to understand her intent. And Zelgadis was scheming. Oh, did he scheme.  
  
"Hey, Lina, I've got an idea!" He suddenly said.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Seeing as yesterday's attack would seem to indicate yet another massive plotline involving monsters and whatnot, what's say we practice our magic a little. Maybe I could help Amelia with hers."  
  
"Why this sudden interest in being nice?"  
  
"Well...uh...who...who says I'm being nice? I'm just covering my own ass. Figure I have a better chance of living if my sidekicks are well trained."  
  
"Sidekicks?!" Lina snapped. "Why you...FIREBALL!"  
  
Zelgadis leapt into the air, and the fireball did nothing more than land in a smoking crater. Irate, Lina fired again and again, Zel managing to leap or fly over all of them. Ultimately, she had fired ten times, and nine had landed in smoking craters, while one had hit Gourry.  
  
"Dammit." She grumbled. Finally, she shrugged. "Eh...people as hot as me don't have to worry about lowlifes like you, Zel. Anyway, looks like Gourry's gonna be unconscious for a while, so you can stop and help Amelia if you want."  
  
"But I don't..." Amelia protested, but Zel grabbed her by the arm.  
  
"Come on!"  
  
"But Mister Zelgadis, I already know the Rah Tilt!" Amelia snapped, still cowering under her cloak.  
  
"I know. I want to see how fast you can cast it, though."  
  
"Oh."  
  
He watched, and it probably only took five seconds for the massive blast of white energy to fly forth from her fingers and fry a fern (I promise never to go on a stupid alliteration kick again -author). A damn impressive time, but he still shook his head and clucked his tongue.  
  
"Should be able to handle it in two. Think a monster's going to sit around and wait four seconds while you cast a spell?"  
  
"Well I..."  
  
"Of course not! AGAIN!"  
  
Meantime, Gourry and Lina were sitting on the edge of the road, Lina admiring her new form while Gourry tried to find shapes in the clouds. Lina eventually began rummaging through her cloak pockets in search of some tanning oil she'd been saving for the day she eventually got a figure, and stumbled across something she knew shouldn't' have been there.  
  
"What in the world...?"  
  
She pulled out a white envelope and looked at it. FROM GOURRY TO LINA, it said. She grinned and tore it open, to find a note inside. She began to read...and discovered it to be a dirty limerick involving embarrassing references to her anatomy.  
  
"WHY YOU..." She looked at Gourry, the fires of hell in her eyes. "You big JERK!"  
"Huh, what I do?"  
  
"THIS!" She hollered, holding up the letter. "FIRE..."  
  
"Lina, WAIT!"  
  
"...BALL!!!"  
  
Zelgadis and Amelia spun quickly in reaction to the huge, repeated blasts that sounded from nearby.  
  
`Looks like she found `Gourry's' letter.' Zelgadis thought.  
  
"Oh, my. What do you suppose Mister Gourry did now?"  
  
"I'm sure we'll hear about it later. Now, back to work..."  
  
Shortly later, the group was traveling again, Amelia dragging behind. Her breathing was heavy and labored.  
  
"Zel, what'd you DO to her?!"  
  
"Simple training."  
  
"SIMPLE?!" Amelia snapped. "You...you..."  
  
"I got the Rah Tilt down to a second and a half, didn't I?"  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well then, there you go."  
  
"Lina Inverse!"  
  
"Oh, sonuva bitch!" Lina snapped. "Not again!"  
  
"Yes, Lina Inverse!" The monster, a rather generic, demon-looking thing, appeared. "Time to DIE!"  
  
"Oh, can it!" Amelia snapped. "You picked the wrong day to make me mad, you...you...oh boy..."  
  
That said, Amelia fainted.  
  
"Oh, great work, Zel!" Lina stared up at the monster. "Okay, no games! We're going right for the big deal! Zel, Gourry, hold `em back while I charge up my amplifiers!"  
  
"Right!" The pair said as one.  
  
`Good, the effects of the magic amplifiers will help considerably." Zelgadis thought, even as Gourry slashed the beast and he fired a few, simple spells at it. `And if she's charging up for an extra-power Dragon Slave...well, it'll be interesting to see her come morning.'  
  
"Darkness beyond twilight..."  
  
`Ah, good.'  
  
[Note: in interest of time and the fact that the author has forgotten it and is too lazy to look it up, the full spell for the Dragon Slave has been skipped. Just insert it here]  
  
"DRAGON SLAVE!"  
  
"YES!" Zelgadis shouted. "Oh...wait...I'm in the line of fire."  
  
"Ow." Zelgadis aid in his bed that night, unable to sleep from the astounding levels of pain he was in. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow..."  
  
And so he said ow for a few hours, until an idea occurred to him. He leapt from bed - screamed in immense pain - and then put his clothes on in a much slower, more careful manner. Then he threw himself out a window and cast a Ray Wing at the same time.  
  
`May as well see their progress.' He thought.  
  
He came to Amelia's window first, and looked in. The image was dark, but he certainly couldn't risk a light spell. He could tell this much: she had definitely grown. Her blanket had fallen off and the bottom half of her shirt had burst open, to reveal the soft, pale dome her stomach had become. Her arms and legs had grown to strain the fabric of her nightclothes, and Zelgadis took a great deal of pleasure from knowing her costume sure wouldn't hide her figure anymore.  
  
"Perfect." He said, skimming towards Lina's. "Let's see how Miss Dragon Slave is doing!"  
  
When he got there, he got a bit of a surprise: She was still growing. She must have been some 400 pounds already, but did not seem quite ready to stop. Her stomach was slowly surging into the air, a massive ball that now dwarfed her breasts, though these had also swollen considerably with her gain. An arm hung off the side of the bed, and fat hung from that to nearly touch the floor. Her thighs had swollen so much that her feet were lifted off the bed. Her face was round, her neck hidden.  
  
"Excellent!" He hissed. "My plan comes to fruition! Oh, I forgot how much fun evil was! I should start going back to those Republican Caucuses!"  
  
"ZELGADIS!"  
  
He was awoken the next morning in this manner, a hand violently shaking him. His eyes slowly opened, and he screamed when he found himself to be mere millimeters away from Gourry. He tossed himself out of bed, and looking up from a kneeling position.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"There's trouble! Lina and Amelia! I'm surprised you weren't woken up by their screaming!"  
  
`Excellent.' He thought.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Come down to the café and see!"  
  
`Café? What the...?"  
  
The first thing Zelgadis saw was the people. They were backing away in terror from the café that was part of the inn, with reactions he found little different from those people usually wore when watching Lina Inverse down food. But when he pushed past them all, he got an image even he had not been prepared for.  
  
Lina was positively gargantuan, sitting next to a table since her stomach would have prevented her from reaching the table if she sat at it normally. There was one on either side of her, and she was shoving food into her mouth at a rate that was amazing even for her. Her entire body was constantly jiggling with movement due to the ceaseless movement of her arms. He could swear he saw her growing right in front of him. Her clothes, obviously useless, had been replaced by a poncho modified out of a huge blanket.  
  
Meantime, Amelia was also packing it away, though she was still much smaller than her fiery-headed counterpart. She was perhaps 250, maybe 300 pounds, her clothing now skintight on her swollen body and beginning to tear in places. Her stomach was most prominent part of her form, forcing her legs apart so it had room.  
  
"For the love..."  
  
"See what I mean?" Gourry asked.  
  
"How much have they eaten?"  
  
"Enough. If they don't stop soon, we'll be broke."  
  
He could see why. There were plate stacks as tall as Gourry, and platters strewn about the room. The girls ate with abandon, probably not even tasting the food they were chewing and swallowing so damn fast.  
  
"So they woke up...screamed...and ate?"  
  
"Basically. They were too hungry to care."  
  
"Grand."  
  
Grumbling, he walked over to Lina and tapped her on the shoulder. His finger sunk into soft flesh, and her round face turned to glare at him.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"You realize how cock-eyed your logic is, right?"  
  
"I CAN'T HELP IT!"  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah, Mister Zelgadis." Amelia said, and then paused to tear flesh from a bird leg. "We're...mph...so HUNGRY."  
  
"Great, perfect. Well, I'll be going."  
  
"WHAT?!" Gourry shouted. "But they..."  
  
"Damned if I care. I'm just going to..."  
  
KAPOW!  
  
"Sonuva bitch." Zel grumbled, getting to his feet.  
  
"Hello!" Xellos said.  
  
"What the HELL are you doing?!"  
  
"My job! I've sent another monster! And this one...well...let's just say, it's not only going to be the magic use that makes Lina fatter."  
  
"What the HELL are you talking about, you purple-haired..." The smoke cleared, and Zel saw the Monster. "What the hell is that?!"  
  
"Hey, I'm Emeril Legasse!" The squat, dark-haired beast said. "BAM!"  
  
"I'm confused."  
  
"Just watch."  
  
"I'm gonna whip up the best damn food ANYONE'S ever had!"  
  
"Really?!" Lina said.  
  
"You betcha! You Lina Inverse?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"And you're Amelia Will Telsa...uh...you're Amelia."  
  
"Uh-huh!"  
  
"Great, I'm here to make a banquet for you two! So sit back and prepare for the greatest feast EVER!"  
  
"You brought in a professional chef?"  
  
"Since NBC tanked his show, he needed the cash. And the magic powers I gave him made him happy."  
  
"I...see." He sighed. "Things are running too slow for the author again, aren't they?"  
  
"You know it."  
  
Zelgadis just sat back with Xellos and watched the girls begin to eat the magic food of Emeril Legasse, and it quickly became clear as to what the magic was. The girls began to swell as they ate. No longer did Zel just THINK he saw them grow, he DID see them grow.  
  
"Holy hell!"  
  
"Mm."  
  
Lina's already-huge stomach billowed out, swelling beyond her legs and pushing them aside. Her head slowly approached the ceiling, her body moving higher and higher as her legs and ass swelled with flab. Her stomach spilled beyond her feet, and her arms got so heavy that she could no longer lift them. Her cheeks puffed and sagged, her neck vanished. She could certainly no longer complain about small breasts, since they were each now as large as her whole body had once been, and rested heavily on her stomach.  
  
Amelia's clothes began to rip more and more, and eventually exploded off of her, a few tatters remaining and keeping her decency. Her stomach was still the largest part of her, now sagging well past her knees. Her legs and rear seemed to get the rest of the fat, a large shelf having formed behind her. Her face and arms were certainly rounder, but seemed to be receiving less of the fat than the rest of her. The chair she had been sitting on eventually gave way, but she hardly seemed to notice.  
  
"Oh, excellent!" Xellos said. "Excellent excellent excellent. I think I'm going to have some fun..."  
  
"Xellos, what the HELL are you talking about?!" Zelgadis demanded.  
  
"Just watch. Even YOU should like it, you masochist you."  
  
Xellos snapped his fingers, and the two suddenly stopped eating. They each blinked and shook their heads a bit, as though waking from a dream. Then they both looked at each other, themselves, and the food in their hands. For the first time ever, Zelgadis saw Lina Inverse look at food like it was evil, then fling it as hard as she could.  
  
"Oh...my...goodness..." Amelia said. She slowly lifted her plumpened hands and pressed them to her huge stomach. She slowly began to rub it, as if trying to figure out if it was real. She seemed horrified that the round mass simply pressed in a shook a bit, instead of vanishing in a puff of smoke. "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!"  
  
"You've done wonderful at entertaining me, that's what!" Xellos said, walking towards them and clapping. "Oh, this is excellent! You're so upset, and that makes me STRONG!"  
  
"Xellos, WHAT'S going on?!" Lina demanded.  
  
"I'm having some fun, and helping get YOU out of Zelgadis's hair!"  
  
"What?!" Amelia hollered. "What do you mean?!"  
  
Quickly, Xellos recounted his deal with Zelgadis.  
  
"Zel, you bastard!" Lina screamed. "I'LL KILL YOU! DRAGON..."  
  
She didn't notice Xelos snap his fingers.  
  
"SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE!"  
  
"DEFENSE BARRIER!" Zelgadis hollered.  
  
The explosion could be seen from miles around. When the smoke cleared, the city was remarkably intact. Xellos had funneled the blast straight up, saving the town.  
  
"Why?" Zelgadis demanded.  
  
"Because I want as many people around as possible to see this." Xellos said. "I made it so the curse takes effect RIGHT AWAY, not just at night."  
  
"Uh-oh..." Lina said.  
  
"CLEAR THE AREA!" Zelgadis hollered.  
  
Most people ran, Amelia levitated herself. They were charging out of the place as Lina's body billowed out, almost looking like something had exploded within her.  
  
"Mister Zelgadis, you're BAD!" Amelia hollered at him as they both stood outside. She levitated herself forward some, and smashed him with her stomach, sending him stumbling and sending the rolls of fat on her body wobbling.  
  
"Well duh." Zelgadis grumbled. Standing and brushing himself off. "Pardon me."  
  
He walked into the restaurant, and was greeted by the site of a seemingly-endless sea of flesh. At the end of it was Lina's face, barely recognizable under all the fat. Zel grinned, and clambered over to her.  
  
"Well...this is indeed satisfactory. Gotta give that old bastard Xellos that much."  
  
"I'll...get you...Zel."  
  
"I'd like to see you try."  
  
"Oh, I'll get thin again! And I'll get you!"  
  
"Uh-huh, sure."  
  
He walked out of the restaurant, grinning triumphantly. Lina screamed for Gourry to get her some food, and he ran in. He was about to walk off when he slammed into Amelia's stomach, knocking himself backwards again.  
  
"You're still here?" He sneered.  
  
"How could you do this to me?! I..."  
  
"I don't care what you think of me." He said, shoving past her. "Even if you are now so soft...and lovely...and...and...KISS ME!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No." He grinned as her face fell. "OH, YES! GO ME!"  
  
"Why you...you awful, brutal...RAH TILT!"  
  
Zel simply leapt out of the way of the attack, landing himself on a rooftop very neatly. He watched the expression of worry come over Amelia's face as she remembered what was about to happen to her.  
  
Her stomach blasted out first, growing out then sagging. She fell flat on her ass, which was next tog row, along with her legs. Her arms became covered in even more layers of fat, hiding her hands. Her face became as flabby as Lina's, but it could not hide the glare of contempt that shot from her face.  
  
And then Zel laughed. Like a true super-villain he spread his arms to the sky and let out a theatrical guffaw. The sky darkened, the wind kicked up, lightning flashed. The townspeople ran, screaming, as he continued to holler.  
  
"IT'S OVER! I WIN! I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN MWAHAHA!"  
  
And, yet again, he was blasted by a bolt of lightning.  
  
"Shit." He said, falling from the roof.  
  
"Well, it would seem my job is done, Zelgadis." Xellos said, standing over his charred partner in crime.  
  
"Yeah, so I'll be seeing you." He began to walk off, brushing himself off.  
  
"Uh, not so fast!" Xellos grabbed him by the arm. "Because now, Zelgadis Greywords, YOUR SOUL IS MINE!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"We made a deal, I believe."  
  
"Uh...no, actually. You offered help willingly and asked for nothing from me in return."  
  
"Huh?!"  
  
"Here." Zelgadis handed him the copy of the story he had been given by Xellos earlier. "See for yourself."  
  
"Hmm....uh-huh...." He looked up. "Damn."  
  
"So it looks like, ultimately, I'm the winner here! Everything's coming up Milhouse! I mean...Zelgadis!"  
  
"This is MOST distressing." Xellos said, looking at the story. "Whatever can I do? Oh...OF COURSE!"  
  
He waved a hand and snapped a finger, and there were a pair of bright flashes. Before Zelgadis knew what was going on, Lina and Amelia stood in front of him, restored to...well, not their former selves. Each girl was still probably about four hundred pounds, with huge stomach hanging in front of broad legs that pressed together at the thigh with the fat there. They each held up one chubby hand in a fist, and their arms still had a great deal of flab hanging from them.  
  
"Hey!" Amelia snapped. "How come you didn't restore us entirely?!"  
  
"This is more fun." Xellos said. "Anyway, he's all yours."  
  
"Oh, hell..." Zelgadis said, backing away as the two fat girls slowly moved towards him, evil fires in their eyes. "BYE!"  
  
And so Zelgadis ran out of the town, followed closely by Amelia and Lina, who moved as fast as they could and sent their huge stomachs bouncing up and down. Gourry was not far behind because...well...he's Gourry.  
  
And so the four heroes continue on their adventures. Sort of...  
  
The End  
  
(wow, that sucked...) 


End file.
